READY, SET, WRITE!!!!

image

Join in the fun! I am just crazy enough that I have decided to take on the challenge of attempting to write a book about midlife and all it’s challenges!

I NEED YOUR HELP!!!!! I would like to include stories from others who have walked or are walking down this midlife road of insanity! If you’d like your story to be considered for use in the book, just follow these simple directions.

Send in your stories or anecdotes about your midlife experiences. They can be humorous or inspirational. The main thing is for them to be REAL.

Tell me what you’ve been through. Have you experienced a midlife crisis? What was it like? What were your struggles? What gave you inspiration to get through it?

Tell me about your funny midlife experiences! NOTHING is off limits!

Keep in mind…this could take quite awhile to be completed! But, it’s something I have wanted to do for a long time and I have been thinking about it a LOT lately. As the process moves along, I will keep you updated here on the blog and on the Facebook page.

Anyone whose stories are chosen would eventually have to give written permission for those stories to be published. Only first names would be used, unless otherwise noted by the individual. Names may be completely changed if desired to protect your privacy.

To submit your story: Send it to MidlifeMayhem@hotmail.com
More details to follow! It’s that simple. Now get writing!!!!!

The Midlife Dryness Challenge

image

Menopause brings certain, shall we say, “challenges” along for the ride. If you are in menopause, chances are you have found yourself perusing a certain aisle at the pharmacy. You know the one I’m talking about….

There is an entire aisle dedicated to this little talked about problem. No one wants to SAY it, but it happens to all of us. The estrogen fairy comes and sucks the hormones right out of us and leaves us…ahem…DRY.

A few months ago, I decided to make my way to the lube aisle. I stood there reading the labels like I was making the biggest decision of my life. Let me tell you ladies, there are bottles of every kind. Your pleasure, his pleasure, smooth glide, tingly, edible, a shave and a wax…you name it. There are bottles labeled “Intense”, “Intrigue” and “Pure Ecstacy”. There are even products that promise to make you feel “like a virgin” again! I’m quite certain after pushing two children from my nether regions, no silky lubricant is going to manage that feat. There is an entire industry dedicated to this stuff!

image

By far, my biggest mishap was several years ago with a product called “KY Yours & Mine”. The product label states, and I quote “Together, they provide an EXPLOSIVE lovemaking experience.” Huh…sounds great, you say? I thought so too.

image

After setting the romantic scene, the Hubs and I decide to test it out. After all, it promises to “invigorate your sensations”! I went first. DEAR SWEET JESUS….SOMEONE SET MY LADY BITS ON FIRE!!!!!!!! As I was writhing in pain, looking like I was probably getting all hot and heavy into the moment, all I could think of was HOW to make it STOP!! Thankfully, we were sans children. Because I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself from leaping naked and charging through the house to find the ice bucket…The fire extinguisher…A pile of snow. Gals, I am telling you, I would have taken the garden hose at that point…ANYTHING to stop the burning pain. By then, Hubs had caught up to the idea that something was seriously wrong and the whole scene turned into something resembling a late night comedy act.

Oh, they kept their promise. It was EXPLOSIVE alright. Just not quite the explosion I had in mind. Next time, I’m letting HIM try first!

Funking About

image.

I’m in a funk. A great big, irritable, miserable, moody, get nothing done FUNK!!!

The worst part about being in a funk is that you can’t even quite put your finger on WHY you are there. Sure, your body aches, the bills are piling up, the teenagers are driving you mad…but none of that is the cause…that’s all just LIFE. So, you walk around with this edgy feeling. This feeling of wanting to crawl out of your skin, of not being able to sit still…only you don’t have the energy to MOVE.

I’ve been pondering this for a few days now because, well…what the hell else am I doing while I am being miserable? And I have decided that a full-blown FUNK is your mind’s way of trying to tell your stubborn brain that SOMETHING needs to change in your life. I’m not talking about major life-changing alterations here. I’m talking the day to day things. Only I think the disconnect comes when your mind knows things need to change, but doesn’t know HOW or WHERE to begin. It all becomes so overwhelming. Much easier to grab a stack of chocolate and resume funking about.

What to do? What to do? I’m thinking of starting a list of things that I can do every day to shake it up a bit. It might start out something like this:

1. Get out of pajamas by noon SOMETIME.
2.

Well, that’s all I have so far. But, you get the idea. I need to find ways to get out of the funk. Beat the blues. Get rid of the hum-drums. LIVE LIFE!!!!

I’d love to hear YOUR ideas! How do you pull yourself away from the carton of Ben &Jerry’s and the Lifetime TV movie marathon?!

Surviving the Madness

image

 

There are times when life deals so many curve balls at once that you become swallowed up by the enormity of it all. Every day becomes a survival game. Life becomes a juggling act.

For a very long time, as many of you know, I have been struggling with some serious health issues. I came to a point where it was all just TOO MUCH and I needed a break. Having the Midlife Mayhem Facebook page was becoming a “chore”, instead of something I looked forward to each day. I needed to walk away for awhile and honestly, at the time, I had no idea if I would ever come back to it. All I knew was I needed to focus on my health and my family.

In these past few months, I came to the realization that I wasn’t being true to myself with my page or with my blog. I was too wrapped in what the “numbers” were or how many readers were on my blog. I wasn’t writing from my heart. To me, this was a huge reason why I stopped feeling the connection I once had with so many of the wonderful people I met through the page.

Now, I feel something drawing me back in. As crazy as it may sound, I feel like I am SUPPOSED to come back to it for some reason. Only now I know I need to be true to myself and no one else. Yes, I am still struggling with my health. Yes, I still have way too many balls up in the air ready to crash down at any second. But, why not have some fun in the meantime?

So, let the madness begin again! I hope you will come back and follow along with me in the Midlife Mayhem!

SECRETS OF MY MINDFUL MADNESS

20120816-171439.jpg

Time to get down to the nitty gritty, my friends. The scoop, the low down, the SKINNY. Time for the real deal. Prepare yourselves to be truly captivated and enthralled. Grab a glass of wine, sit back and relax, and get ready for the great reveal of my mindful madness.

Things you may or may not know, or care to know about me, but are going to hear anyway:

1. I AM QUEEN OF INSOMNIA If you haven’t figured this one out by yourself, you aren’t paying attention! Shame on you! Start reading the Facebook posts!!! You will most likely find me wide awake at all hours of the night. Good for blogging, bad for survival!

2. I AM BLESSED AND CURSED WITH RAGING ADHD! Not so much the “H” part, although some days I can be a frenetic whirlwind. My mind wanders freely and considerably from topic to topic, often with no warning or segue way involved! The upside to such distraction is a creative mind and the ability to keep up with several tasks and conversations all at once. Some down sides are…

3. I AM THE LAST STOP AT PROCRASTINATION STATION Oh, YES. I can and will wait until the LAST POSSIBLE SECOND to finish something I had 6 months to complete. I am also remarkably talented at devising creative excuses to push any “to do” task forward by days, weeks, months if necessary! I am a dynamic multi-tasker. The pitfall comes when 72 projects are started, and all are in a varying states of unfinished. The perks allow me to flourish as a flexible, fly by the seat of my pants kinda gal (Ok…ok…FLEW….before I started down the slippery slope of middle age and “flying” turned into “crawling”)!

4. I AM A DISORGANIZED DISASTER Yes, indeedy doody. I thrive in a state of organized disorganization. YOU may see random piles of paper…I know EXACTLY what is in each pile. THIS. This is the one, though, that gets me frenzied. I am the lady you see frantically searching for the store list she wrote, but forgot to bring with her. The woman who FINALLY remembers to write a check, then leaves it in her purse for 3 weeks. The muddled mind that every September VOWS to get organized, keeps THREE calanders, and consistently forgets to so much as GLANCE at said calanders, thereby scrambling to shove dinner down throats when son walks in door and announces practice is in 15 min and IT WAS ON THE CALANDER!!! The Mom who loses permission forms and whose child is the only one to show up without her red yarn and Popsicle sticks because DAMNIT, I thought that was on FREAKIN FRIDAY!!! Yes, THIS is the demise of my self respect. I can live with a wee bit (ok, a boat load) of disorganization, but when it affects my children, the guilt is astronomical in proportion to the offense. I am a work in progress.

5. I AM WONDERFULLY WEIRD My weirdness extends to my creativeness, my capacity to find fun in even the most mundane situations, my deranged thought processes, and my wacky sense of humor. MOST of the time, I can laugh at myself. I am menopausal, however, so look out if you catch me at the wrong time! A sense of humor is a necessary attribute in the messed up world we live in!

And now, the moment you have all been anxiously awaiting…a few short unknown facts. Let’s just keep these under the radar…between us friends….No one else EVER HAS TO KNOW!

1. I am a chocoholic. There may be a 12 step program out there for this, but I have zippo desire to find out. I own my addiction.

2. I SECRETLY love to watch Little House on the Prarie. DON’T JUDGE!

3. I had a mad crush on Rick Springfield during my teenage years.

4. I performed on Dancin on Air twice. I was the girl with the neon clothes…you remember…

5. I am a complete klutz. It MAY have been mentioned on a FEW occasions that I should wear protective gear at all times.

I just KNOW you couldn’t have gone on another second without knowing all these fun facts about me! Thank me when you sleep easier tonight. I may have many, MANY shortcomings, but I am UNIQUE and isn’t that REALLY what it’s all about in the end?!

Share a few fun facts about yourself with us!

20120816-171804.jpg

THE CURSE OF THE RED DRAGON AND THE MENOPAUSE MONSTER

Remember the good ole days, somewhere in the neighborhood of ages 10-14 on average, when life was filled with promise, raging hormones, and we waited patiently and waited and waited for our Dear old Aunt Flo to come visit for the first time? We secretly cried, not wanting to be the last one among our friends to “become a woman”. And when the big event finally happened, we wore it like a badge of honor. We strutted around with our oversize purses, stuffed with enough maxi pads for 3 years. We preened our feathers and walked with a new swagger. Those GIRLS we left behind didn’t know what it felt like to be a REAL woman!

Then reality set in, along with cramps, bloating, and mood swings. Suddenly, we knew this was not worth waiting for all this time! We desperately wanted Aunt Flo to go the hell back to where she came from and never return again! We spent the next THIRTY to FORTY years cursing the Red Dragon and attempting every voodoo curse imaginable to make it GO AWAY!!!

Then one day, it happens. It may creep up on us gradually and take YEARS to fully happen. Or it may come crashing down on us INSTANTLY. The MENOPAUSE MONSTER has arrived and it is here to stay! Lest there be any confusion about the arrival of this midlife demon, I have compiled a simple checklist for your review.

1. Have members of your family been implying you might need force feeding you an entire bottle of Valium?

2. Have your family members hidden the knives, scissors and other sharp objects in the house?

3. Do you get the overwhelming urge to spork your husband…boyfriend… significant other…in his nether region simply because he’s present in the same room?

4. Do you find yourself weeping like a woman pregnant with quadruplets when you watch commercials?

5. Do you suddenly become so overcome with hot flashes that you would willingly throw yourself naked into a mound of snow?

6. Do you wake up during the night, in a puddle of sweat, and strip everything off yourself to sleep naked under the ceiling fan?

7. Must you practice the hell out of your kegel exercises to prepare yourself for a sneeze?

8. Do you find yourself short-tempered taken over by a demonic possession?

9. Do you feel as if you may be losing your memory mind?

If you have answered yes to more than zero questions, you have been taken hostage by the MENOPUASE MONSTER. You can no longer be held accountable for your behavior insanity!

DOS AND DON’TS AFTER 40

When we hear the word MIDLIFE, we all conjure up images in our minds. Maybe of the bald, middle age man, in his shiny new convertible, top down, with his twenty-something side piece turning up the radio LOUD (because, let’s face it, his hearing is gone). Or maybe it’s the forty something “lady” who has become a bit “plump” stuffing herself into clothes she wore twenty years ago, and caking on the makeup to “appear” younger. (Read: Looking like a stuffed sausage in full color clown makeup.)

As I was pondering these gross midlife images, I came up with a random list of dos and don’ts for the over 40 crowd.

1. DON’T wear skirts that come up to your crotch line. This is no longer sexy (if it EVER was), and makes you look like you belong on the corner of 3rd street in a large city.

2. DON’T wear tube tops or other such related paraphernalia. See #1. I don’t care if you have the body of a goddess, ladies, it looks cheap.

3. DO feel free to wear a bikini if you’ve still got the body for it. Hey, I wouldn’t dare, but I applaud you if you have the body and the guts! Just, PLEASE, I beg of you, skip the dental floss in back. No one wants to be looking at that all up in your bidness. And by no one, I mean me.

4. If the bra fits, DO wear it. Let’s face it, ladies, the girls aren’t as perky as they used to be!

5. (The last one on clothing, I swear) DO continue to wear sexy clothing. Sexy should not be confused with slutty. But by all means, after 40 is a whole new kind of SEXY!

6. DO remember less is more when it comes to your makeup, gals. We all lived through our Maybelline blue eye shadow years. Let’s not repeat. See #1 and 2 for reference.

7. DO have fun! No one ever said middle age has to be boring. Well, if they did, they suck.

8. DO keep up on your relationships with your “girlfriends”. Whether you are single, married, divorced, or destined to live with your twenty cats for life, your girlfriends will save your life sometimes. They will laugh with you, cry with you, and can always be counted on to point out your stupidity. Count. On. This.

9. DO remember you are an intelligent, fun, crazy, beautiful, dynamic, sexy goddess!